This isn't the *nicest* way to end the academic term, but many of us have been getting these e-mails (or ones eerily similar..) in the past few weeks, so I hope the group-wallow in parody and sympathy will be emotionally satisfying in some way, or at least mildly entertaining.
My end-of-term experience has been supplemented by a cheating incident that makes me very sad because the students involved did not need to cheat (they were getting decent grades; now they are not), but I don't feel like writing about student "misconduct" right now.. maybe in 2011, when I am older and wiser and energized for the new year and term.
In the meantime, I am going on a blog-break while my family and I travel to an interesting part of the world. I shall likely return in early January.
Thanks for reading, and please vote in the poll at the end of this post.
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1.
Hey professor,
I am honestly, truly sorry for missing the final exam in your case. I am not usually so irresponsible and this is completely out of character for me. However, I feel that I should ask that you excuse my exam, in that one of my housemates was in the emergency room and I had to be there with him. You can check with the ER to prove that I did not just forget the exam. I have had some bad luck lately and I would never of missed the exam because your class is one of my favorites, but you know what they say: friends first. I am wondering if I would be able to make up the exam this Saturday, which is the only chance I have before my flight home for Christmas. I know you might want to take off points for the late exam, but I really am afraid about how it would affect my GPA, and I am a Senior. Thus, I could also do an extra credit project, if that would help you to give me the grade I really deserve were it not for missing the final. I will do any project you want, because I am very greatful to you for helping me even though I had my friend in the hospital. However, I might need to turn in my extra credit project after Christmas because I am going home and also my computer is at IT with a virus and I can't get my files off it. They said it would be done by now, so I have no idea when I'll get it. Is it ok if I can get an incomplete so that I can do my best work on the extra credit project? Also, I could take the final exam after Christmas so that I can really demonstrate my best work for this class, but I understand completely if you want me to take it on Saturday.
Thank you so much, I truly do love the class and I am sorry I let you down,
**********
2.
Dear Mr [prof]
i miss exam because due to car crash. i study all night and fall sleep drivering to school
i can bring police story to show why i missed. how can i get new exam and when
i must must must pass class or lose student visa!!!!!!!!!
thx Mr for helping me
**********
3.
hi fsp, im sorry i missed the final exam but yesterday morning my cat
was puking and i had to take her to the vet, and then after i got home
i was going to study but the cat puked again on my only clean sweater,
so i put the sweater and all my other dirty clothes in the laundry but
the dryer must have been 2 hot because my clothes came out all
munchkin-sized, so i went to the tj maxx to buy some new clothes but
then i left my lights on and the car wouldnt start. i tried to get my
friend to drive me to campus for the exam but he was all hungover from
celebrating the end of the semester and couldnt come pick me up at the
tj maxx, actually he couldnt get out of bed, and by this time i was
late for the exam and i would have called ur office but i lost my
phone. so its not my fault i wasnt there for the final yesterday but i
do really need to take the test because my dad said if i failed one
more class he would take away my cadillac escalade. i studied for a
whole hour and im sure i can get the a+ u told me i need to pass. i can
i can come in for the makeup exam tomorrow after 7pm or the next day
after 6 pls let me know which is best for u.
**********
4.
Dear Female Science Professor,
I regret to inform you that I could not make it to the final because
my grandmother died, and I need you to give me a make-up final so I
can get an A in this course. I don't expect you will, of course,
because you refused to give make-ups to all of my friends, whose
grandmothers also died to make them miss the exam. I don't know what
your big problem is. One day in class you made a big deal about
reading "real scholarly literature" instead of Wikipedia or stuff. So
here is this real paper for you
http://www.math.toronto.edu/mpugh/DeadGrandmother.pdf and it says, AND
I QUOTE: A student's grandmother is far more likely to die suddenly
just before the student takes an exam, than at any other time of year.
a student who is failing a class and has a final coming up is more
than 50 times more likely to lose a family member than an A student
not facing any exams. So I'm failing the class, and all my friends
are failing the class, and you don't think ahead to the fact that our
grandmothers were going to die? That dude says they worry themselves
to death. He says it is a mounting health epidemic growing with
exponential proportions that must be stopped or our society will
crumble down to its very foundations of society. So now I really
really have to get an A on the exam so I can go to med school to find
a cure to stop this SENSELESS LOSS OF LIFE. Please let me know what a
good time for the makeup would be. I work best from 1 am to 5 am so I
hope that works for you.
Sincerely,
Struggling Student
**********
5.
Professor XX,
My grandmother died today, or was it yesterday? I don't remember, it's
all a big emotional blur (/_\) . The funeral is on the day of the final
in a town far, far away and I have to go; she practically raised me
(well, on some weekends and holidays). Plus, her will stated that she
wanted me there specifically. Suffice it to say, I won't be able to make
it to the final exam. In fact, I'm so distraught that studying for any
exams is going to be almost impossible (we were really close).
I really need to pass this class (preferably with an A; my GPA is
hemorrhaging badly). I'm a super senior, and it's the last requirement
for my major. Also, it won't be offered again until Spring 2015! (Whose
great idea was that?!?!) In light of this, I propose that you average
the grades for my last 3 exams (with most of the weight on the highest
grade, of course), and use that as my final exam grade.
I know that you're probably thinking, "Yea, right. I want to see a death
certificate and an invitation to the funeral." Well, you're in luck! A
notarized death certificate and a notarized invitation to the funeral
will be available in a couple days.
Thanks for your cooperation (and the letter of recommendation ^_^ ) .
Very sincerely,
SuperSeniorIVX
**********
6.
Greetings Dr X,
I missed the midterm. I was miserably sick last week.
Sincerely,
**********
7.
Dear Prof X,
I am writing to explain that I accidentally gave my roommate, Student
Y, a pot brownie, so she was unable to take the final exam in your
class. Had I known about the exam, I would not have given this to her!
Please allow Student Y to make up the exam.
Sincerely,
Roommate Z
**********
8.
dear professor,
Last week I went to the clinic at the school to get my chest looked at
and I had whooping cough and broncitis, and I was given strong medication
for it. However, lastnight I took my medication on an empty stomach and this
morning I cant stop dry heaving and puking bile ( i am bulimic which also
makes my stomach sensitive). I need to go to the doctors or the hospital,
but I cannot drive right now. This is the second day that I have had this
reaction to my medication and it has cut into my study time and also put me
in pain. I dono what to do because I cannot miss this exam but I also cannot
lift my head out of the towilet for more than a few minutes. I donno how I
can write my exam like this. HELP, what should I do?
Student Y.
**********
9.
hi prof!
i just realized that I frgot 2 come to the final exam yesterday! I know the
exam was yesterday at 8 cuz I just checked on the finals calendr but between
my Chem midterm and my Psych paper it TOTALLY slipped my mind! could i
mebbe take the exam when I get back from break? Because I am actually
writing this on my iphone in the airport right now (also why the speling is
so bad - haha!). I'm super super sorry for the trouble!
Thanks soooooooooooooooo much in advance!!!
<3>
**********
10.
Hey professor,
I know it is late (2 AM the day of the final exam!!!!!!!) but I am supposed to
contact my professor in advance about taking a make-up exam for a good reason.
I recently found out that I have several final exams on the same day (today!!!) and so
according to university rules I get to take one as a make-up and I decided to take
yours later because it is my favorite class. The best time for me is Thursday at noon
so I will come to your office then and take the exam.
:)
**********
11.Professor FSP,I was starting to study but then I fell down on the floor and was sweating so I went to the clinic and they said I should rest and not study anymore, so that is why I can't take the final exam tomorow. My mom says I have to come home right away so she is picking me up at 2 pm which is when the exam starts. So the best thing to do is not to count this final exam in my grade. An Incomplete is NOT an option because I don't have time to make this up after the break. I calculated my grade as a B+ although I am really an A student and if you want to take into account my difficult circumstances and how hard I worked in your class an A would be good. Thanks for your help.
**********Dear Mr.
12.
I am in you're 1:00 class what meets in room 201 of the Maine building I rite you on a matter of grave concern
I had to miss the final exam what took place at 5PM in Maine 201 last tuesday because of a matter of vital importence; My mom cooked a really important dinner for me monday night and so do to the extreme difficulty of travel during the current season I had to go home during finals week because my mom insisted if you new my mom youd understand
I tryed to find you're office which you're web page says is MAine 202; but dint have any luck cuz the Maine building is to obscure and i couldnt find it so i couldnt find you're office and talk to you about it before
i wouldnt bother you about it except as its to important whereas my scholarship require that i keep a perfek 4.0 GPA thruout my intire collige years and so i need to make up the final I dont need you to work extra hard so its ok if you just give me the final that you gived everyone else as my friends said it wasnt to bad when they showed me the answers you passed out at the and
If you need confermation of the importence of the dinner you should contact my mom were in the phone book so were easy to find as our house is across the street from the collidge
you're devoted student John Smythe VII
**********
13.
Professor FSP, you're not going to believe this but just before
the final exam my pet python, Mimi, got loose somewhere in my
apartment building and the last time this happened my landlord
totally freaked and said if it happened again he would evict me
or kill my snake or both. So I had to look for her and I missed
the exam but the good news is that I found her and she was safe
but a little shook up and so then I had to get her calm and there
was no way I could email you until now. I am afraid to leave
her alone now but I could write a paper instead of doing the
final exam or I could take the exam after the break. Just let
me know which of these options you want to do.
**********
NOTE ADDED 12/21: Some late additions include:
14. I studied really hard last night and then slept through
the alarm clock
15. hey, i went 2 the room today and the normal time and no 1
was their. some kid was their and said you gave it during the
exam pd. anyways i work then so i couldn’t come.
i have time to make up the final after work tomorrow so i
can b their bout 4. thx
(no time to update the poll, but you could do a write in vote
in the comments)